The Memories of Today
by Jess Gates
Summary: Because of an accident he lost his memories, and even thought they all tried to make him feel better, to help him... There was something missing. Something that his old self had and adored, but that he didn't have. And there was just a question in his mind, who was he now? (Second part of Lost Memories)
1. Chapter 1

_Well... Seems like I couldn't wait to post this, so here you all go, an update on Tuesday!_

 _This is the second part, so really, if you haven't read the first one I strongly suggest you to go back and read that one first!_

* * *

 _ **The Memories of Today**_

 _ **Part 1**_

* * *

Just as promised, that day Kondo came to the hospital as early as he could, in less than an hour he had already let the ugly hospital clothes behind and his body was now clad in some comfortable jeans and a sweater—and soon as he put those soon he was received by the surprised that even after five years he was still using the same detergent.

After some more tests and some last words from the doctor, he was finally free to go—not before he promised to go back as soon as possible if he started to feel dizzy or if the pain in his head started to get unbearable.

It was only until midday that he finally managed to get outside of the hospital, with the little bottle of mayonnaise in one of his pockets and the picture Kondo gave him—the one in where they all were—in the other one.

* * *

"Where do you want to go first, Toshi?" Kondo asked, finally breaking the silence that has been building between them since they came out of the hospital.

They were walking around the streets—the hospital lost in the distance— and even if he wasn't that familiar with the hospital or with the places that were around, he didn't feel as strange as he thought he would be, it was a weird feeling, but he didn't dislike it.

"Is…" He swallowed, the words were burning his throat. "My house near…?"

The mere thought of being in a place full of the things his 'older version' had was enough to scare him, but maybe in there, he would be able to find some comfort, or maybe some answers… As to why he was on that construction site… As to why he didn't have anything with him… As to who he was…

"It is!" The man cheered. "When you moved here you made sure that there would be all sorts of things in case you or…" His voice got quiet all of the sudden, making that the last part of his sentence got lost.

And the important part that he should have noticed went unnoticed once again.

"Kondo-san?" He raised an eyebrow. "Is everything, okay?"

"O-oh? Ye-yeah! Ye-yeah!" Kondo answered in a hurry, and even though it was suspicious, he chose to not pried more on it. "I was just thinking if I had turned off the lights or not." He chuckled. "But… Yeah! You make sure to move to a place with all sorts of things near in case you needed them."

But before he could ask why he moved out of their old apartment, Kondo was already lifting his hand and pointing to a little store on the other side of the road.

"Li-like there for exa-example!" He nodded without paying much attention. "That one is a bar! You wanted to have a bar which sells good food near your house." He chuckled, but he only looked at him weird out.

He used to drink from time to time, it was one of his pleasures apart from smoking, but in the past, it was something he did only once every month or so—alcohol was expensive and he preferred cigarettes.

So when did he started to drink so much that he needed to have a bar near his house?!

"Over there," he now pointed at another store a little far away from the bar. "That one is a convenience store, and across the street, it's a little pharmacy." He explained.

"Kondo-san…" He opened his mouth as to say something else, but closed it soon after. _Why did I move out?_ He couldn't ask, especially since he had the feeling that Kondo would avoid his question. But remaining quiet would be weird too, right? "When did I move?"

"Hmmm… I maybe it was three years ago… I believe..?" His hand went to touch his chin and a little smile appeared on his lips. "We did a big farewell party, everyone went! I'll bring you the photos from that time too!"

 _Everyone went… Does that mean that he…_ He shocked his head almost immediately, just what was he going to think?! He? Thinking about whenever Gintoki went to that party or not?!

Sure, he thought it was weird that Gintoki was in only one of the pictures in Kondo's wedding album, but that wasn't any reason for him to worry about!

Right…?

 _He surely just arrived late… Late and drunk._ He tried to convince himself. But a part of him just remained on being curious, after all, he was the only one that hasn't change at all after all those years… Same annoying smile, same dead eyes, same weird hair.

Just like the Gintoki that he remembered sharing drinks with.

Maybe… Maybe he was trying to hold onto the Gintoki that didn't change, just like he was doing with the little mayonnaise in his pocket.

But his mind and heart ignored that possibility, just like it has been ignoring all sorts of things during those days.

"I want to see them…" The words left his mouth without even noticing. _I want to see if he has changed…_ But to his own luck—or bad luck?—those last words were silenced by Kondo's sparkling eyes staring at him.

"Don't worry! I can fix that!" He answered, and he only nodded not sure of what has happened. But maybe that was Kondo's way of saying that he was going to arrange a sort of group meeting?

Was he even ready for something like that? He really doubted it.

"Oh look Toshi!" The man pointed at what seemed to be an apartment building across the street, with little balconies in every window, some with clothes hanging over them. "That's the place."

Even he had to admit that the place didn't look half as bad.

* * *

Surprisingly—or maybe not—as soon as they got to the door of his apartment, Kondo was quick to pull a little key from his pocket and put it in his hand.

"This was the only thing you had in your pockets, you know?" He laughed awkwardly. "I'm sorry, I know I should have given it to you before."

"Don't worry Kondo-san." He smiled sincerely while his hand clenched around the key. The only thing that he had with him… Why was that? He wasn't one to go out without his wallet and his cellphone, he was completely sure that wasn't going to change, no matter the years that went by.

So why…

Was he in such a hurry for him to just grab his key?

"Take your time Toshi," Kondo's hand went to on top of his shoulder, "you don't need to force yourself." He nodded and his gaze shift to the key in his hand.

There was no purpose to think so much, right? After all… He wasn't going to get any answers out there.

He sighed and put the key in the keyhole, for a second he could swear that the click of the key was louder than ever.

 _It will be alright._

Once again he was trying to convince himself.

Thinking that inside there were going to be all sorts of answers to all of his questions; that he would find out who he was, why he was in the place of the accident…

But what if he didn't?

He wasn't ready, but he still pushed the door open and found himself entering into—another—white room, with clean floors, and two pairs of sleepers waiting at the entrance—but he failed to noticed the quantity.

"It's a big place even if it doesn't look like that from the outside," Kondo explained, but he still waited for him to enter before talking more.

The first room of the apartment was the usual living room mixed with the kitchen, and he could already tell that the door next to the entrance was the toilet room. But unlike the empty and white room of the hospital, this one was full of life, some paintings on the walls, a little zen garden on the table, some little decorations here and there, and even some clothes over one of the sofas.

A little too lively for someone like him, but he didn't mind, in a way, it was comfortable.

After being trapped in that empty room for so many days, he was embracing all that with his open arms.

"Do you want me to show you around, or do you want to explore it alone, Toshi?" Kondo asked still at the door, and for once he was really grateful that the man wasn't as hyper as always and was instead giving him his space.

"I want to be alone." He bowed softly and smiled.

"Remember to take your time! I'll be here in the morning, okay?" He smiled and soon after the door closed.

He was once again left alone, but this time, he was alright with it.

* * *

It didn't take him long to explore the house, but during that time he got to a conclusion, one that was freaking him out.

He didn't live alone.

The clothes—man's clothes if he had to be exact—that by no means were his, the extra toothbrush, the different shampoos, there were all sort of things that were pointing that there was someone else living with him.

But _who_? Why was he living with another man?! What sort of _relationship_ did he have with that person?

And what was worse; after exploring the whole house, he noticed that there was only one bedroom, so… Or that other person was sleeping on the couch, or…

"No!" He screamed as he was fuming around the— _his_ —bedroom, there was simply no way! _There has to be a good explanation!_ There was really no way he had turned to 'that' kind of thing in just five years, right?! "Maybe…" If he wasn't crazy before, he was definitely going crazy now. "Maybe…" Maybe he was just keeping extra things in case Kondo came over? But knowing Kondo, why would he leave his wife alone to go to his apartment to stay over. "Shit." That was all too surreal. "Shit, shit!" Without thinking he kicked a sweater that was on the floor.

But just as he was about to continue with his rage against the sweater, a sound echoing around the room send a chill through his whole body.

Metal hitting against wood.

In less than a second, he ran to the sweater, his impatient hands searching through the pockets until his fingers touch with something cold.

His heart was beating like never before as he took the thing out.

A _cell phone_.


	2. Chapter 2

_Another Tuesday, another part finished_

 _Hope you all enjoy this part too! See you all next week!_

* * *

 _ **The Memories of Today**_

 _ **Part 2**_

* * *

"Shit!" Once again the old sweater went flying into the hair. "Shit! Shit!" His hand clenched around the phone.

If before he didn't have much luck, this time it was definitely getting ridiculous.

The only thing that could give him answers, that could really show him who he was, how he acted like, what things he did and like…

Didn't have any battery left.

"Fuck!" His free hand went to hit the nearest wall, again and again. _This is stupid!_ And to make it worse, there didn't seem to be a charge anywhere near. "Fuck…"

What kind of bad luck was that?! Just what did he do in his past life to deserve something like that?! Hell, what did he even do in those five years he couldn't remember!?

"Shit..!" His hand clenched even more around the phone. _This is unfair!_ The only thing that could give him answers, the only thing that wouldn't lie to him, that wouldn't ignore his questions… And he couldn't even turn it on. "Fuck…" He cried out, his forehead against the cold wall.

Frustration, impotence, desperation…

Why did he have to go through all of that?

If things were going to be like that, he would have preferred to never find that damn phone in the first place.

 _Shit…_ With his forehead still resting against the wall, he finally opened his hand, and the phone fell to the floor, the sound filling the emptiness of that room, but failing to fill the emptiness inside of him.

"So unfair…" He whispered, holding back all those feelings inside of him. "So unfair…" His hand hit the wall once again, but this time the hit didn't have as much strength as before.

That wasn't like him…

If he let himself get swallowed by something like that, how was he supposed to keep going?

If something was certain in all that, was that he was going to keep on hitting walls, on hitting mountains bigger than him, and he couldn't let himself be crushed by them, right? That was definitely not his style, he wasn't one to give up no matter the situation he was in.

And that was one of those situations in where he couldn't give up that easily.

 _It's only a charger…_ He could find something like that quickly, right? He only had to go to a store, if five years ago they were everywhere, there was no way things would be the opposite nowadays.

 _Yes._ He raised his head finding new hope. If Lady Luck wasn't going to be by his side, then he only needed to make his own luck.

He only had to check the wallet he found a while ago, go outside, walk to the store that Kondo pointed out earlier, get himself a charger and come back. Nothing too out of the ordinary, nothing that he hasn't done before…

Going _outside…_ And even more, going outside by _himself._

Since when things so easy to do became so hard?

"Fuck…" He whispered once more before grabbing the sweater on the floor and going to the living room.

* * *

Before even noticing, the warm afternoon in where he arrived at his apartment, became a chilly night, that even with his sweater on he still could feel the cold of the night.

"It's not as bad as I thought…" He whispered as he was walking on the empty streets, the hoodie his head, his wallet in the pocket of the sweater, his hand clenched around the picture Kondo gave him.

Even if he knew it was weird, having that picture with him was starting to give him some comfort, especially when the store was now right in front of him, and he couldn't stay outside for longer.

So after taking a deep breath, he entered the shop, soon received by the monotone greeting of the cashier.

"Oh, Hijikata-san!" The man behind the counter smiled after seeing him enter. "It's been a while since I last saw you," _So I knew this guy?_ "I was starting to think that you both moved out." He chuckled.

That only confirmed his theories that he was living with someone else… But who? He was afraid to ask.

"Oh hello," he tried to act as normal as possible, but he didn't even know what normal was, to begin with. "Sorry I can't stay much today," he cleared his voice, " _he_ is waiting for me back at home—"

"Oh yes," the man laughed again, "he is quite the needy guy, huh?" _A needy guy?_ "So what brings you here today Hijikata-san? Do you need more cigarettes?"

"No… Actually," he brought out the phone in his pocket. "Do you have a charger for my phone? _That guy_ broke mine." He lied, but by the expression of the cashier, he didn't seem to notice.

"Again?" He laughed as he turned back. "You really shouldn't lend him your charger anymore. But he really seems like the guy that would quiet down unless you do." He put the charger on the counter and smiled. "Here it is."

* * *

With his heart almost going out of his chest, he rushed back to his apartment, and as soon as he could, he connected his phone and waited… And waited… And waited…

It seemed like forever until the red light appeared on the top of the screen, and he couldn't help but leave a relieved breath out.

He only had to wait for the phone to charge the enough so he could turn it on.

But all the running around, all the feelings inside him, all the different emotions he has had during the whole day… It would be a lie to tell that he didn't felt his eyes heavier.

Maybe taking a little nap while the phone charged wouldn't be a bad idea?

* * *

At some point, his little nap stopped being just that.

* * *

He woke up the next day thanks to some knocks at his door and he immediately started cursing at himself. _Of course, I would fall asleep… What else was I expecting?!_ It's not like things have been going well for him the last days after all.

But before leaving his room, he makes sure that the phone was ready to go; and he couldn't help but smile slightly after seeing the screen turning on after he touched the button on the side.

So with that little smile on his face, and the anxiousness rising in his body, he went to the door as fast as he could, hoping that whoever was behind it, wouldn't take much of his time.

But things really didn't go as how he wanted them to go…

"Toshi!" Kondo smiled as soon as he opened the door, and his smile disappeared.

He totally forgot that Kondo told him that he was going to come and visit… _This is not the moment Kondo-san! Like really! Not the moment!_

"Oh, good morning Kondo-san." But there was no way he could say those things, even less when the man was smiling so happily at him. "Come inside." He added letting the man enter.

"Good morning Toshi!" He greeted as he was taking off his shoes. "Hope I didn't wake you up?" _You did._

"No don't worry," he lied, "I was already awake, just roaming around the house, you know?" That part was true, or at least it was the day before.

"Have you found anything interesting Toshi?" He asked as he was dropping some bags—bags?—on the table. _You bet I did._

"What are the bags for Kondo-san?" If he had to be honest, he wouldn't mind some food, but all those bags seemed to be a little bit too much for just him and Kondo, and it worked to take their little chat away from the things he found.

"It's for the others! Don't tell me you forgot?" _Shit._ And he must have seen that reaction because he let out a chuckle before coming to his side to pat his back. "You go and get ready, I'll wait here to receive them."

"Thanks."

* * *

After getting dressed—not without getting, even more, weirder out over the other person's clothes in his closet—and putting on some perfume, he only had to wash his face and do something with his hair.

So with slow steps, he walked into the bath room and stared at himself.

His face after five years…

The same face that was his, but at the same time, it wasn't.

Because even if he hasn't changed as much as Kondo or Sougo—like he saw in the picture—he wasn't the same as how he remembered himself to be.

 _Just breathe…_ He sighed and his hands went to cup some of the water. _This…_ He wetted his face. _This is me now…_ The water was awfully cold, but it was a nice reminder that all those things were indeed happening. _Just calm down…_ Carefully he grabbed the towel next to him and wiped his face. _Calm down…_ He couldn't bear to freak out with Kondo on the next room and the others coming soon.

"Calm down…" He whispered softly, putting the towel back in place. But instead, his went to touch his face, the eyes that had some eye bags underneath, the chin that was starting to have some little hair here and there, the not-so-young skin… "This is me…" He repeated as his hand wandered to the pocket of his jeans and took out the photo.

Slowly he put it against the mirror and breathed deeply. _This is me…_ With his eyes focused on his portrait, he got a little closer to the mirror.

Without a doubt, the one on that picture was himself, same face, same hair… But that smile… That smile…

With an eye on the picture and the other on his reflection, he tried to recreate the same hairstyle and the same smile he had, and even though he succeeded with the first one, the smile just came out weird… It was as if something was missing…

* * *

It took him some more minutes until he finally managed to keep that hairstyle in place and for him to muster all of the courage he needed to come out of the bath room, the picture still on his pocket.

"Kondo—" But his sentence was cut off by a sudden red thing that suddenly dashed out to hug him. "What the…"

"Toshi!" At his chest, there was a girl with red hair hugging him tightly—way too tightly—as she was crying out his name softly.

"Yorozuya girl..?" He whispered, and he finally noticed the increased amount of people in his living room. Sougo was sitting on one of the sofas, while Kondo was at the kitchen with Otae at his side.

But there was someone missing…

"Toshi…" The girl whimpered, her face hiding in his chest. Since when did they become as close as for her to call him like that? "Are you okay..?"

"Just let him go China," Sougo sighed, his face with the same bored expression. "Still kicking out, ain't you Hijikata-san?" He added.

But there were way too many things to process for him at the moment.

"I'm…" He gave another quick look around the room. Why wasn't he there? Weren't they friends anymore? But they seemed to be on good terms on the picture… "I'm fine." He managed to say, as he was patting her head just a little bit. _Why?_ The only one that hasn't change… The one he wanted to see the most…

"It's really nice to see you Hijikata-san." Otae greeted and he nodded. "Come here Kagura-chan, he must want his space." She giggled and finally, the girl let him go, her eyes with some tears. But why?

Since when were they close as for her to cry for him? Just what happened between them?!

"Is…" Another look around. He couldn't understand why he wasn't there, why he _wanted_ him there. "Is the Yorozuya coming too?" He finally asked, surprised of how easy it was for him to say those words.

But even more, he was surprised at how quiet they all went, on how they were avoiding his eyes, on how they were looking at each other awkwardly. _Did I step on a landmine?_ Did he really have a problem with him before?

"Well…" Kagura was the first one to talk, her hands playing with her hair, her eyes looking at the floor.

"He is out of town!" Kondo interrupted. "Bu-but he said he will try to com-come if he could!"

"Don't worry about that idiot Hijikata-san," Otae added, and somehow they all took that as the end of the chat about Gintoki, and he chose to not pray more about it, after all, he had all of his answers waiting for him in his bedroom.


End file.
